In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
