It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
