I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Randomize
