I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
