i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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