Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
