At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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