Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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