Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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