when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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