seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
