Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
