I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
