I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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