Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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