Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
the condom got lost in my hair
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
