Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
