ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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