So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
