If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
