i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
