Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
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Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
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What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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