KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
