On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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