i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You took a bar mat shot.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
