Don't make out with my wife yet
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Pants are for mortals
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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