i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
there was a trapeze. enough said
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
