dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
If that was your dad, he is hot
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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