i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
