So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
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Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
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I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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