i just wanna soil my oats bro
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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