I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
