i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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