so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
