Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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