Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
