Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
