I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
