Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
