Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
