i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
