I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Randomize
