She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
