OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
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I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
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.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
you're hired as official boob wrangler
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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