Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
