How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
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