So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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