Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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