mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
