your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize
