believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
