You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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