Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
