Moan for me like Helen Keller
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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