i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
